And once again, back to the blog

So I see that I've not posted anything here in nearly six months. I used to blog faithfully, I used to feel I had a lot to say, and wanted to keep track of thoughts, projects, and general ephemera. It's amusing to me, looking at the past few months, that so much has happened and I haven't tracked any of it. Perhaps I should go back, or perhaps I should just forge onwards. Onwards? Or maybe from scratch. Indeed, I think scratch is the way to go. I need a new direction.

Hi. I love you.

A lot of people I love very much (most of whom I've never met in person) are having a hard go of it lately. While bad stuff happens pretty much all the time, it always seems to hit hardest (and below the belt) during the poorly-named "holiday" season. (Holiday? Everyone's stressed to the max, worked ragged, broke, and short of sleep!)

I try to send little Tweets of love and Facebook hugs and things, but the internet is a fast-moving place, and I worry sometimes that I've missed something important. So: a blanket announcement.

You are my friend, and I love you. I wish I could ease your burdens, take away your pain, and fill your days with warmth and happiness always. But I can't - no one can. What I (and everyone) can do, is remind each other that we are all out here together, and maybe that little bit of connection and universal good energy can make things a little better.

Yeah, I sound like a big hippie. So what? It's true. It's also true that love means something different to everyone. Whatever it means to you, you're getting it from me. Respect. Admiration. Recognition. Laughs at your silly jokes, and tears at your hardships. Lots of love for everyone; didn't someone once say that it's the only thing that increases, the more you give it away?

Pondering qualities of yarn

The impetus of this post is a scarf I'm close to finishing; it's two colours of yarn in Patons Classic Wool; first one colour held double, knit to the end of the two balls, then the second colour, done the same. One would think that this would make two equal halves of colour, yes? Not so. The yardage of the second colour is less than that of the first. Grr.

And this made me think: why? WHY? And that made me think that with most yarns, the same base yarn dyed in different colours can have very different hand (that is: texture, softness), and it seems that there can also be a yardage variance based on colour, which seems odd.

So, putting these odd questions out to the spinners and dyers... why are these things so? I mean, I KNOW yarn. The yarns I use frequently, and those we sell in the store, I can identify by sight and by touch. But this variance is something I don't quite have the knowledge about, and this annoys me somewhat.

Please to share your edifying, enlightening information in the comments. Or, by chance if you are Brenda Dayne (!), I'd LOVE to hear you get into these oddments of yarn ephemera on a future Cast-On.

Happy knitting!

Random thoughts

Things have been busy lately and will continue to be for the foreseeable future, but here are a few thoughts that have been buzzing around in my head this week:

Poppies. Remembrance Day (Veterans Day) is tomorrow, and as always I am trying to keep a poppy over my heart, indoors and out. However, those little pins are slippery and I've probably replaced the one on my coat half a dozen times. And this got me thinking, that it's somehow appropriate. They fall at random, for no discernable reason. They are noticed mainly after they are gone. And most of us don't think of them other than during that one brief period when they are otherwise everywhere. Fitting remembrance for the fallen soldiers that they represent.

Work. This past week has been hectic and happy. I got promoted to a management position at the store; more responsibility but I'm still with the same awesome crew and getting great support from the rest of the management team. I'm excited to have a solid position (full time), which in retail is often hard to come by. But mainly I am so pleased that I made the right choice in leaving my previous job (which was stressful and not very satisfying), and returning to a job where I can really contribute to the smooth functioning of the operation and making our customers happy! It's a fantastic feeling to go to work each day focused and enthusiastic, and to share the workday with others who have the same dedication.

Life balance. Yes, it's a buzz-phrase, but it has merit. I've been reminded recently by people who care for me that it's important to make time for personal priorities as well as the mundane; not just work/food/sleep/chores, but also conversation, creativity, social time, education... the things that get shoved aside when we are busy being busy.

Friends. Forgive me if I get a bit maudlin here. I've got some really fantastic friends and I am increasingly aware of how fortunate that makes me. My local folks, my online buddies - there's a whole lot of people out there that make my days brighter and my life better. And I'm trying more and more to show them my appreciation and caring in return. Lots of things happen every day, good and bad, and with all the social media we have now, it literally takes less than a minute to send someone a word of encouragement and love or acknowledge their triumphs. But tweets and comments aren't enough. It's important too for me (and for others) to take time for face-time (another buzzword, sorry). Tell a co-worker that they helped you out. Compliment someone on a sharp outfit. Buy the person behind you in line a cup of coffee. If someone's having a rough day - STOP AND LISTEN. Really, are you in that much of a hurry?

Sorry, didn't mean to lecture. Just random thoughts. What are you thinking?

Turtle with a broken neck

Maybe I'm PMS-moody this week, or maybe it's just a confluence of circumstances, but the past 24 hours have me feeling like a turtle with a broken neck. That is to say, I seem to have stuck my neck out so often lately, it won't retract any more, and I'm left unprotected at my most vulnerable point. Mostly I've been wanting to draw back deeply into my protective shell, not let anyone at my soft underside, and move *very very slowly*.

The closest thing I have to any kind of a shield is knitting. Today, being wracked with flu and general ickiness, I've been knitting scarves. A big scarf for Kia, a little scarf for Marjorie, and a mini-scarf for me. The mini-scarf is selfish knitting, something I am not good at doing. I'm forever **starting** projects for myself, but they are almost always set aside in favour of something for someone else. Today I knit for others for the morning, but my afternoon and evening knitting is this wee little rainbow scarf for me. Something bright and warm to wrap around my neck, and hopefully it will protect me next time I foolishly stick my neck out.

Where am I going?

I woke up at 4:30 again this morning. This is an hour before I need to be awake, and it's been happening frequently lately. I don't know if it's the change in season, or that I'm going to bed earlier, or if I'm somehow connecting with my late grandmother, who was an early riser all the years that I knew her. Whatever the reason, rather than bemoan the hour, I'm getting up and getting at my knitting.

Today, I listened to an old episode of Cast-On (episode #69, to be precise), while I sipped my coffee and worked on the sideways scarf for Marjorie. Brenda Dayne - whose voice I adore and whose shows always make me smile, and think, and just generally relax - Brenda said "Where am I going, that I have to knit things quickly?" This in reference to a sweater she was making for herself. And that question caught me. Where am I going, that I need to knit quickly?

Well, the past few years have brought home to me the reality that people die - suddenly. And while this is inevitable, it's scary and I have this fear of leaving things unfinished. I don't want to leave Phae with a basket of half-knit projects to sort through, and I don't want to let down the people I have promised to knit for. Maybe it's mostly the latter, as I don't THINK I'm about to die suddenly. But then, no one ever does, do they?

Enough on death. Where am I going. The past couple of weeks, there have been some changes at work. We had two people in full-time salaried positions leave the store, and one of the positions has been filled (beautifully, and I'm so happy for the person who now holds the job!). The other, I've applied for. It's something I think I would be good at, and I've been led to believe that others agree. In fact, I've been more or less "acting" in the job on an interim basis, but not officially. And this is starting to irk me. Yes, I said "irk." I feel at loose ends, because one thing I don't deal well with AT ALL is uncertainty. Am I getting this job? Are they testing me to see if I can do it? Apparently "someone else" has also applied, and I've been wracking my brain trying to figure out who - if it's one of my teammates, or someone from another store - and to tell the truth, my confidence (which was at about 90% certainty) is pretty low right now.

The funny thing is, I really like the job I have. I'm not sure if I really want the change. Sure, it's a promotion, but that will change my role in ways that I am not at all certain of. Will I be spending less time with my team, and with my customers? Will it really improve things if I'm "in charge" of our department, rather than in the trenches getting things done? I honestly don't know if I'm cut out for a supervisory/management role. I tend to be blunt at times, and it's been pointed out to me more than once that it's not fair to hold others to my standard of work. But what else is a person in leadership to do, but try and encourage people to do their best work? I try to lead by example. I've trained a few people in "the ways of the Force", as it applies in our store. But I've also made some serious missteps, overstepping authority I don't actually have, and I don't want to cause conflict or tension. I also don't want to have titular authority, but no actual respect from my team. As Yul Brenner said in "The King and I", it's a puzzlement.

So with all this buzzing through my mind, I'm knitting like a fiend these days. I have a whole stack of projects to finish before the cold weather sets in hard, and it's getting colder every day. The added benefit is that when I'm knitting, I (mostly) don't think about other things. It is a steadying, calming thing - what I used to call an island of stillness in a river of crazy, back in the early days when I started this blog. I need this island, and this stillness. I need it to be here, no matter where I'm going.

I'm tired of death

Today, a dear friend (who I've never met in person, but that's beside the point) became a widow. Brutally, cruelly - her husband collapsed and could not be revived. She is far away from me and all I can do for her is send love by way of electronic communication. It is inadequate and frustrating.

Today, the Make-A-Wish Foundation brought a child with terminal cancer into our store for a shopping spree; this was her wish. She got scrapbooking supplies, enough to preserve a lifetime of memories. Except she won't have a lifetime. Her family was gathered around her, presenting her with ideas and options, and I followed along, mostly silent, taking the items and offering a few that I thought might appeal to her. It was heartbreaking.

Today, I am tired of death. Tired of loss, of pain, of the suffering of those who are left behind suddenly and those who are waiting for the day they will be left by the ones they hold dear. I am tired of how death paralyzes my emotions and makes me full of fear and dread for the time when more of the people I love will also leave me.

Intellectually, I know death is a certainty. It's unavoidable, regardless of who or where you are. Death does not discriminate on any basis whatsoever; to believe that death chooses and punishes with malice is to believe that there is an alternative. A fool's belief. Today, I would like to be that fool.