"That was some good steak," she said, and went into her room. 15 minutes later her heart stopped. The paramedics came and then neighbours drifted over to gather on the lawn, to offer support to the family and each other. We needed sweaters; we wore sandals. Tomorrow I will walk the dog while her brother and sister-in-law go do the things that have to be done. I'll make a casserole; that's what we do. That was some good steak, she said.
Damn. When did I get competent at dealing with death? We lost a neighbour - more, a friend. Nine months ago we were the bereaved, now we are the support system, but still bereaved. I keep thinking, at 36, I'm too young to be at this stage of life, where people die. But the truth is that they die all the time. They're just dying closer, it seems.
I will, in all likelihood, knit a shawl, as much for my own comfort as for theirs. But it's what we do.
4 comments:
I chanced upon your blog...and am sorry for your loss. Being practical in a crisis is a good quality, it's also a coping strategy. When the numbness subsides and the reality has time to seep in, you will 'feel' the loss of your neighbour and friend. It is the 'doing' and normality of everyday that keeps us grounded. Everyone grieves differently - don't be so hard on yourself. The sadness will come. Take care Kelcie
*hugs* I'll call you tonight when I get home from Toronto.
I love you.
Kiddo
You're absolutely right: People die all the time, it just seems that they are dying closer together these days.
Being level headed and calm in situations like this seems out of place at the time, especially when others don't seem to be able to do well with it, but it is not a negative. Being calm, being practical gets things done, gets people the support and comfort they need. You still care. You still feel, despite your ability to handle it differently. Grief is such a personal and individual thing. Grieve how ever you need to, and never feel wrong for it.
*hug*
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this again so soon. I do have to say though: I hope my last meal ever is steak too.
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